It's evident that the architects of stall based public toilet were either sadists or simply had no shame in life. They really put thought into, how to make the most intimate ritual as degrading as possible. I wouldn't be surprised, if the early blueprints of public toilets had bushes or trees instead of stalls just to make the whole experience of taking a shit in public even more retro towards the caveman era. This layout has been the catalyst for a whole new global phenomenon, which I wish to describe.
Reluctantly you will find yourself entering the public bathroom to take that crap, and you will curse yourself for having that extra bagel or slice of pizza. It's that little extra bit of food that has made you unable to wait until you got home, but here you are in the midst of an anatomic emergency.
Before you actually get to it, you investigate the premises by looking at the floor. This is an attempt to catch a glimpse of any shadows coming from the stalls with closed doors, which will establish whether or not you are alone. Depending on the circumstances you will always choose the stall that's furthest away from all the engaged ones. Even if that particular stall has shit stains and vomit spray painted on the walls, yes, you will choose that one. Anything that will provide you with stealth defecation is welcome.
Once you sit on the public throne, you will always try to finish as quickly as possible, if you know that you're the only one there. However, that particular scenario is very uncommon, some might even say it's a myth.
The most regular scenario entails that the stall next to you is occupied by some poor bastard, who has heard you pulling down your trousers and heard your belt buckle clang against the floor. This is when the warm up for a very twisted event commences, The Waiting Game. You will unconsciously clear your throat to alert the person next door that you have arrived. Personally I am still unable to explain, why we do this. Is it to provoke? Or is it like a handshake before the match? Nevertheless, the kick-off or “shit-off” for The Waiting Game has commenced at this stage and an absolute silence will seize the lavatory.
The objective of The Waiting Game is simple; He or She who can out wait the other opponent and let him/her finish defecation and embarrass himself/herself in the process is the winner. To do this you must have solid control of your bowl and sphincter. You can easily recognise a rookie by his poor attempt to mask his lack of endurance, when he fakes a cough in an attempt to drown out the sound of a fart or a crap hitting the water in the bog. No, a real professional doesn't do this. A real professional sits silently and waits for the opponent to give in; Survival of the fittest rectum.
Another trait of a professional is that he will bend over and try to catch a glimpse of his competitor's shoes. Especially if the match is taking place in the toilet at work, the winner can internally boast about defeating John from the Customer Service department. Hell, the winner could even keep a record of who he has already defeated or lost against on the office computer.
Sometimes in a match you will experience someone washing his hands and activating the hand dryer. A dedicated professional is never foolish enough to give into the noise of a hand dryer, only rookies will do this and perform a fastbreak and think they are on their way to victory. Professionals see this as cheating. A good comparison would be a soccer player spitting in the face of an opposing player, while the referee has its back on you.
The duration of a match may vary depending on the skills and endurance of the participating rectums, and God forbid, if the stalls on both sides of you are engaged. That's when the matches can go on for an eternity, and if these take place at work, you might find yourself having to work overtime to compensate for the time spent taking a shit.
Do feel free to sit there and reflect for a bit about The Waiting Game. As for me, I will go take a shit in the privacy of my own home.
Edward T. Shufflebottom
