And here I stand amongst the fanatic believers like an atheist completely oblivious to the creed that promotes heart shaped balls, Swiss chocolate and romantic songs.
What is love really? It's one of the few things in life, I keep thinking that I understand, but realise I don't even remotely grasp it. I can look at couples that are insatiable by each other's caress and not reach any conclusions. In fact, I only end up having more questions. I envy these people for understanding something so banal, while I ignorantly try to analyse it to atoms.
Perhaps it isn't about understanding, but about feeling. It again makes me think of my behaviour during my teenage-years. My mother would often tell me that I was 'cold', and in my adolescent outburst I'd give her the whole cliché with “You don't know, who I am inside.” and subsequently run to my room and throw myself on the bed.
Now, more than a decade later I realise how she knew before I did. It seems that this behaviour has manifested itself to a greater extent in my persona. Even though I love my family more than anything in life, there was never a moment of hesitation or doubt to leave them far behind me to reach my goals. I have grown too selfish to really feel others and choose only to feel what I feel.
Lately I have been asking myself a lot about the whole idea of love. The idea of bonding with someone else on more than just a physical level. Would I be able to do it? Would it be possible for me to actually allow somebody else to become an active part of my private life? It seemed very unlikely right now. There's a barrier, that I seem unable to overcome. The barrier that keeps me walking alone and grants me all the infinite liberty and advantages of indulging my egocentric nature. This strange love ideology simply doesn't fit in with my agenda right now.
Again I ask, what is love? I don't really know. What I do know is that for the time being is that I am not a part of that heart shaped balls nor the Swiss chocolate nor the love songs. I am just me, and maybe some day, I will learn to appreciate and feel this global phenomenon. Until then, I'll just have to observe.
