Monday, September 25, 2006

Aloe Vera and the art of Ass Wiping

I was walking through the aisles of the supermarket after having covered every item on my shopping list, except for one, toilet paper. I couldn't count the number of times that I have shopped for toilet paper, and every time I would buy something different.It wasn't the illustrations of lambs, infants or techno-rabbits on the packaging that had served as catalyst of persuasion. No, it was a random and desperate trial-and-error procedure in the quest to find something that felt good to wipe yourself with after the act of defecation.

I came across one package that I had always ignored. Toilet paper enriched with Aloe Vera. I had never really been keen on the whole deal with cosmetics that had the extract of mango, strawberries or avocado. They really endeavoured to market those products, and I could only imagine people ending up wanting to eat them rather than applying them as intended. I was torn between giving into the mainstream bullshit or continue ignoring the product, after all I was really a bidet fan. As I have told many others before me, if you stick your hands into a pile of shit, do you wipe your hands clean afterwards or would you wash? But due to lack of facilities in my current bathroom, I had to resolve to paper. I wasn't happy about it, but what could I do.
My decision was to go along with the whole Aloe Vera enriched toilet paper. I wanted to see what the whole fuss was about. How could including the use of vegetables or fruits of wiping your ass be beneficial?

I got home and impatiently walked around my flat waiting for my ass to make sign that the time had come. I had even considered taking some kind of laxative to speed up the whole evaluation process, but there was a risk to that. What if I didn't like wiping my ass with fresh Aloe Vera? I would be stuck for the rest night making numerous visits to the toilet and not looking forward to it. No, I chose to play it safe and wait.
It was only a couple of hours before my ass poked me on my shoulder and hinted that I had affairs to take off. Ecstatic I hurried to bathroom and put effort into making it the as messy as possible. With moans and groans I made sure that this paper was put the ultimate test. It was not getting off the hook easily.
I got the first roll out and held it in my hand. The paper was a bit thicker than the regular toilet paper. It had a weird texture and it made me feel dubious about the whole affair, and frankly quite happy that I had decided not to take a laxative.
I detached the first batch of paper and finally wiped for the first time. There was a short silence and then the sound of something creaking. I wasn't alarmed but positively surprised. It was my ass. My ass was smiling! It had not smiled in a long time. This paper was amazing. I felt that I had wiped my ass with sunshine. My bottom was clean and happy.

Needless to say I tried the paper more than once and the results were perfect every time. Of course it will never be the same as bidet experience, but this was definitely a good alternative.
I could only blame myself for not having invested in this product earlier.

All the facial cremes, body lotions, shampoos etc. which all had some kind of fruit or vegetables involved, I still wasn't sure if any of them worked, but with the whole Aloe Vera experience I was willing to believe so. I had taken good care of my ass, and now I knew that it would take good care of me.


Edward T. Shufflebottom

4 comments:

Chorna said...

Utterly hilarious. I sat on the very edge of my seat, tingling with anticipation.

So did my arse.

Sand-E Sez said...

inta maskhara! MPUAH!

Cilantro said...

u crack me up!!! walahi waheshny!!!

i'm going out to buy this fabulous toilet paper now...

Anonymous said...

I never use any other loo paper at home as the Aloe Vera smells so nice that it is ideal for holding over the nose during rather smelly sessions in the little room. I have even ben known to sneek into the bathroom just to have a sniff at the loo roll now and again, it can get quite addictive. It is preferable to sniff the clean unused loo paper.