Aloe Vera and the art of Ass Wiping

I was walking through the aisles of the supermarket after having covered every item on my shopping list, except for one, toilet paper. I couldn't count the number of times that I have shopped for toilet paper, and every time I would buy something different.It wasn't the illustrations of lambs, infants or techno-rabbits on the packaging that had served as catalyst of persuasion. No, it was a random and desperate trial-and-error procedure in the quest to find something that felt good to wipe yourself with after the act of defecation.

I came across one package that I had always ignored. Toilet paper enriched with Aloe Vera. I had never really been keen on the whole deal with cosmetics that had the extract of mango, strawberries or avocado. They really endeavoured to market those products, and I could only imagine people ending up wanting to eat them rather than applying them as intended. I was torn between giving into the mainstream bullshit or continue ignoring the product, after all I was really a bidet fan. As I have told many others before me, if you stick your hands into a pile of shit, do you wipe your hands clean afterwards or would you wash? But due to lack of facilities in my current bathroom, I had to resolve to paper. I wasn't happy about it, but what could I do.
My decision was to go along with the whole Aloe Vera enriched toilet paper. I wanted to see what the whole fuss was about. How could including the use of vegetables or fruits of wiping your ass be beneficial?

I got home and impatiently walked around my flat waiting for my ass to make sign that the time had come. I had even considered taking some kind of laxative to speed up the whole evaluation process, but there was a risk to that. What if I didn't like wiping my ass with fresh Aloe Vera? I would be stuck for the rest night making numerous visits to the toilet and not looking forward to it. No, I chose to play it safe and wait.
It was only a couple of hours before my ass poked me on my shoulder and hinted that I had affairs to take off. Ecstatic I hurried to bathroom and put effort into making it the as messy as possible. With moans and groans I made sure that this paper was put the ultimate test. It was not getting off the hook easily.
I got the first roll out and held it in my hand. The paper was a bit thicker than the regular toilet paper. It had a weird texture and it made me feel dubious about the whole affair, and frankly quite happy that I had decided not to take a laxative.
I detached the first batch of paper and finally wiped for the first time. There was a short silence and then the sound of something creaking. I wasn't alarmed but positively surprised. It was my ass. My ass was smiling! It had not smiled in a long time. This paper was amazing. I felt that I had wiped my ass with sunshine. My bottom was clean and happy.

Needless to say I tried the paper more than once and the results were perfect every time. Of course it will never be the same as bidet experience, but this was definitely a good alternative.
I could only blame myself for not having invested in this product earlier.

All the facial cremes, body lotions, shampoos etc. which all had some kind of fruit or vegetables involved, I still wasn't sure if any of them worked, but with the whole Aloe Vera experience I was willing to believe so. I had taken good care of my ass, and now I knew that it would take good care of me.

Edward T. Shufflebottom