Aloe Vera and the art of Ass Wiping

I was walking through the aisles of the supermarket after having covered every item on my shopping list, except for one, toilet paper. I couldn't count the number of times that I have shopped for toilet paper, and every time I would buy something different.It wasn't the illustrations of lambs, infants or techno-rabbits on the packaging that had served as catalyst of persuasion. No, it was a random and desperate trial-and-error procedure in the quest to find something that felt good to wipe yourself with after the act of defecation.

I came across one package that I had always ignored. Toilet paper enriched with Aloe Vera. I had never really been keen on the whole deal with cosmetics that had the extract of mango, strawberries or avocado. They really endeavoured to market those products, and I could only imagine people ending up wanting to eat them rather than applying them as intended. I was torn between giving into the mainstream bullshit or continue ignoring the product, after all I was really a bidet fan. As I have told many others before me, if you stick your hands into a pile of shit, do you wipe your hands clean afterwards or would you wash? But due to lack of facilities in my current bathroom, I had to resolve to paper. I wasn't happy about it, but what could I do.
My decision was to go along with the whole Aloe Vera enriched toilet paper. I wanted to see what the whole fuss was about. How could including the use of vegetables or fruits of wiping your ass be beneficial?

I got home and impatiently walked around my flat waiting for my ass to make sign that the time had come. I had even considered taking some kind of laxative to speed up the whole evaluation process, but there was a risk to that. What if I didn't like wiping my ass with fresh Aloe Vera? I would be stuck for the rest night making numerous visits to the toilet and not looking forward to it. No, I chose to play it safe and wait.
It was only a couple of hours before my ass poked me on my shoulder and hinted that I had affairs to take off. Ecstatic I hurried to bathroom and put effort into making it the as messy as possible. With moans and groans I made sure that this paper was put the ultimate test. It was not getting off the hook easily.
I got the first roll out and held it in my hand. The paper was a bit thicker than the regular toilet paper. It had a weird texture and it made me feel dubious about the whole affair, and frankly quite happy that I had decided not to take a laxative.
I detached the first batch of paper and finally wiped for the first time. There was a short silence and then the sound of something creaking. I wasn't alarmed but positively surprised. It was my ass. My ass was smiling! It had not smiled in a long time. This paper was amazing. I felt that I had wiped my ass with sunshine. My bottom was clean and happy.

Needless to say I tried the paper more than once and the results were perfect every time. Of course it will never be the same as bidet experience, but this was definitely a good alternative.
I could only blame myself for not having invested in this product earlier.

All the facial cremes, body lotions, shampoos etc. which all had some kind of fruit or vegetables involved, I still wasn't sure if any of them worked, but with the whole Aloe Vera experience I was willing to believe so. I had taken good care of my ass, and now I knew that it would take good care of me.

Edward T. Shufflebottom

The Love Ideology

People write about it, sing about it, talk about it and even celebrate it. Yes, the concept of love has become the number one creed of the twenty-first century. Everywhere you see people holding hands, kissing passionately in the streets or holding a single to rose that is intended for that sole significant other. Love has seized control of our planet, and it is here to stay.
And here I stand amongst the fanatic believers like an atheist completely oblivious to the creed that promotes heart shaped balls, Swiss chocolate and romantic songs.

What is love really? It's one of the few things in life, I keep thinking that I understand, but realise I don't even remotely grasp it. I can look at couples that are insatiable by each other's caress and not reach any conclusions. In fact, I only end up having more questions. I envy these people for understanding something so banal, while I ignorantly try to analyse it to atoms.
Perhaps it isn't about understanding, but about feeling. It again makes me think of my behaviour during my teenage-years. My mother would often tell me that I was 'cold', and in my adolescent outburst I'd give her the whole cliché with “You don't know, who I am inside.” and subsequently run to my room and throw myself on the bed.
Now, more than a decade later I realise how she knew before I did. It seems that this behaviour has manifested itself to a greater extent in my persona. Even though I love my family more than anything in life, there was never a moment of hesitation or doubt to leave them far behind me to reach my goals. I have grown too selfish to really feel others and choose only to feel what I feel.

Lately I have been asking myself a lot about the whole idea of love. The idea of bonding with someone else on more than just a physical level. Would I be able to do it? Would it be possible for me to actually allow somebody else to become an active part of my private life? It seemed very unlikely right now. There's a barrier, that I seem unable to overcome. The barrier that keeps me walking alone and grants me all the infinite liberty and advantages of indulging my egocentric nature. This strange love ideology simply doesn't fit in with my agenda right now.

Again I ask, what is love? I don't really know. What I do know is that for the time being is that I am not a part of that heart shaped balls nor the Swiss chocolate nor the love songs. I am just me, and maybe some day, I will learn to appreciate and feel this global phenomenon. Until then, I'll just have to observe.

Edward T. Shufflebottom

The Waiting Game

At my job there's one thing that has made me think about certain aspects of human anatomy and functions that we embrace and like to show off. Some take pride in showing their physique, while others like to sing or dance. Despite the diversity in human thinking and perception, there are specific bodily functions that we choose to execute in solitude. One of these is the act of defecation.

It's evident that the architects of stall based public toilet were either sadists or simply had no shame in life. They really put thought into, how to make the most intimate ritual as degrading as possible. I wouldn't be surprised, if the early blueprints of public toilets had bushes or trees instead of stalls just to make the whole experience of taking a shit in public even more retro towards the caveman era. This layout has been the catalyst for a whole new global phenomenon, which I wish to describe.

Reluctantly you will find yourself entering the public bathroom to take that crap, and you will curse yourself for having that extra bagel or slice of pizza. It's that little extra bit of food that has made you unable to wait until you got home, but here you are in the midst of an anatomic emergency.
Before you actually get to it, you investigate the premises by looking at the floor. This is an attempt to catch a glimpse of any shadows coming from the stalls with closed doors, which will establish whether or not you are alone. Depending on the circumstances you will always choose the stall that's furthest away from all the engaged ones. Even if that particular stall has shit stains and vomit spray painted on the walls, yes, you will choose that one. Anything that will provide you with stealth defecation is welcome.
Once you sit on the public throne, you will always try to finish as quickly as possible, if you know that you're the only one there. However, that particular scenario is very uncommon, some might even say it's a myth.
The most regular scenario entails that the stall next to you is occupied by some poor bastard, who has heard you pulling down your trousers and heard your belt buckle clang against the floor. This is when the warm up for a very twisted event commences, The Waiting Game. You will unconsciously clear your throat to alert the person next door that you have arrived. Personally I am still unable to explain, why we do this. Is it to provoke? Or is it like a handshake before the match? Nevertheless, the kick-off or “shit-off” for The Waiting Game has commenced at this stage and an absolute silence will seize the lavatory.
The objective of The Waiting Game is simple; He or She who can out wait the other opponent and let him/her finish defecation and embarrass himself/herself in the process is the winner. To do this you must have solid control of your bowl and sphincter. You can easily recognise a rookie by his poor attempt to mask his lack of endurance, when he fakes a cough in an attempt to drown out the sound of a fart or a crap hitting the water in the bog. No, a real professional doesn't do this. A real professional sits silently and waits for the opponent to give in; Survival of the fittest rectum.
Another trait of a professional is that he will bend over and try to catch a glimpse of his competitor's shoes. Especially if the match is taking place in the toilet at work, the winner can internally boast about defeating John from the Customer Service department. Hell, the winner could even keep a record of who he has already defeated or lost against on the office computer.
Sometimes in a match you will experience someone washing his hands and activating the hand dryer. A dedicated professional is never foolish enough to give into the noise of a hand dryer, only rookies will do this and perform a fastbreak and think they are on their way to victory. Professionals see this as cheating. A good comparison would be a soccer player spitting in the face of an opposing player, while the referee has its back on you.
The duration of a match may vary depending on the skills and endurance of the participating rectums, and God forbid, if the stalls on both sides of you are engaged. That's when the matches can go on for an eternity, and if these take place at work, you might find yourself having to work overtime to compensate for the time spent taking a shit.

Do feel free to sit there and reflect for a bit about The Waiting Game. As for me, I will go take a shit in the privacy of my own home.

Edward T. Shufflebottom

Attack of the Tobacco Spongers

I've come to the decision of giving up on smoking. Not just for the obvious reasons of it being unhealthy and financially draining, but also because of the legions of tobacco spongers marching through the city in civil uniforms.

At least once a day I was approached by one of the troopers with the generic phrase: “Could you spare a cigarette, mate?”. There was no scientifically proven way of evading these people. Often I contemplated hiding the cigarettes up my ass, but it would be no surprise, if they just stuck their heads up there as well asking: “Could you spare a cigarette, mate?”. What the hell was wrong with these people? The majority of these people had the financial means of buying a pack of cigarettes. I was a fairly travelled man, but had never come across this phenomenon. Not only was it an obvious and bad phenomenon, these encounters were also increasing at an alarming rate.

You could find yourself in the middle of a completely empty street. Not a single soul would be in sight. Tumble weed would be passing in front of you along with old newspapers. It was when you put that blasted lighter to the cigarette, a hole in the space time continuum would take place. The scenery of an abandoned part of town would transform into a busy medieval market place. Out of thin air these spongers would appear like cocks and do their default church choir line up for you and sing: “Could you spare a cigarette, mate?”. Sing you motherfuckers sing. I was through with the bullshit. I was kicking the habit.

Sunshine Today, Sunshine Tomorrow

Yesterday before I fell asleep, I realised a greater truth about myself. It's funny how you can shift mental states and not really realise it. States that can be completely out of persona and consume years of your life. As I lay there in my bed, I finally saw that I walking down a path, which I shouldn't be following.

For the first time in a long time I woke up feeling content in this special way. Yes, I could feel that I have taken one step closer to the person whom I once was. The results were instantaneous, when I left my home. People seemed to smile more and the birds actually did whistle and not curse at me.
At work I was able to shield myself behind my mood, and all the bullshit and the intrigues bounced off of my mental kevlar that protected me from negatives energies. I was angry at myself for not seeing this earlier, but perhaps I needed to fall to realise, how high up I was.

With my new pair of eyes, I was able to grasp things differently. I noticed small things that I would normally ignore. One incident today was, when I on my way home stopped by a place to buy some food. When I first entered the place, there was a man in his late 60s sitting in a purple jacket and grey trousers eating silently. His meal consisted of chips and chicken sparsely distributed on a small plate. While my food was being prepared, which took roughly 10 to 15 minutes, the food on the geezer's plate somehow did change much, and I suddenly noticed why.
This guy was eating incredibly slow. It looked like a cautious process. Slowly balancing the chips on his fork and getting these soaked on enough fat that drenched the plate. A good simile in this case, would be like watching a grizzly bear trying to deflower a virgin fly. I wouldn't be surprised, if he had actually gotten on all four and started licking the plate clean. For fuck sake, it's chicken and chips, it's not French cuisine, where you sit and enjoy the savoury sensation and the restaurants interior decorations. No, this was a dodgy little fish'n'chips shop on a dodgy road in a very dodgy part of town. Some people just overcomplicate things and forget to enjoy the beauty of simplicity.

Walking with my food in my hand back to the house, I remembered how yesterday had been and how today was. Tomorrow would be better for sure. My sunshine days had finally come crashing into my life.
Many things were life are irreversible, but this one wasn't. Your mental state could shift and change, but your true essence would always stayed submerged and stored behind those infinite layers of changed, until one day it will pop up from beneath the surface and float on top like a turd on the oceans of this life time.

Edward T. Shufflebottom

Pinball Intoxication

It was Saturday afternoon and I had been invited to a small private party on the other side of town. I was told to buy my stock of preferred beverages to bring to this little soirée. An hour later I found myself in the kitchen of a 1 bedroom flat. The kitchen had a nice feel to it, and I got a positive vibe from the place and the people I was with. Yes, this was going to be interesting.

The conversations started very formally, but as the alcohol assumed control of us, the nature of the discourses turned more sarcastic and distorted. My personal favourite subject revolved around men's tendency to masturbate even, when they were in relationships. The female members in this conversation were unable to grasp this notion, even when I defined this to be “Quality time with your own cock”. Of course, they wouldn't understand. After all, they were equipped differently.

I felt back in my element again. It didn't take long before more guests arrived to the scene to participate in our alcoholic depravities. The majority of these people were Brazilians. Again, my mind started travelling down memory lane. I experienced this moment of Calor Humano again. It's that very sensation that I thought that you would never feel again.

My enthusiasm had pushed me to consume alcohol beyond my physical endurance, and in a heartbeat I found myself losing all basic motor skills and a stomach raising a white flag surrendering. I had to find the bathroom as soon as possible. I opened the door that would lead me to the bathroom. To my horror I found a long corridor with the bathroom at the end of it. As my motor skills were completely flawed at this point, I tried to focus on each step I took towards the sanitary salvation, but I was doomed. I found myself bouncing from one wall to the other like a human pinball. I cursed internally in every language known to man and tried to assure myself with the firmest conviction that my mind was stronger than the alcohol. I was dumb believe so. My brain had left a nice sign with a message stating “Be Back Tomorrow With A Hangover”. I was alone with my desperation.
After a lot of effort, I reached the end of the hallway, and had been previously told to pull the long white cord to turn on the lights in the bathroom. I saw the cord, but I was unable to grab it. I felt like a virgin trying to find the right hole. It was damn near impossible to grab hold of something so simple and so close to me.

Of course, the rest of the evening passed with my going down on the toilet various times and passing out on some stranger's bed. Despite the unfortunate events at the end of the party, it had all been worth it. The Calor Humano had made it all worthwhile. When I came home and lay in my bed, I could faintly the details of my conversations, but I could remember the sensation inside. I couldn't help but smile and with that very same expression of happiness, I fell asleep.

Edward T. Shufflebottom

Vita Veritas and The Void inside

Yet another day had passed, and here I sat in my home shifting like carnal rocking horse between the states of daydreaming and thinking. I had come a long way since, I had first arrived here. In many ways my endeavours had finally paid off, and I was now living the life that I had imagined months back...well maybe not quite...but a good approximation.

The thought started with the usual train-ride to work, where I stood looking at the people, who were mostly buried in the privacy of their portable music-players or newspapers. I wondered if these people looked at me, as I looked at them. Did they think, what I was thinking? Did they live the life, they were meant to be living? I could see no creative or ambitious vanity in their eyes. Instead I saw routine and indifference.

Life was indeed odd. Every day was like a thorough assraping and the only way to survive was to acquire a liking to consistent buggering, or let the void within engulf you with its numbness.

I was in the same queue that led all the way to the deep pit of lost dreams. The pit where dreams were exchanged for a fixed salary and a place to stay. Was life about this all along? Had I been biased all along, thinking that somehow things would turn out differently for me?

Life lay beside me like a dangerous predator that I had to stroke gently and carefully to avoid a confrontation that I would surely lose. Yes, Vita Veritas an untamed beast to be respected and feared...

Edward T. Shufflebottom

To Those Who Got Away

Today a good friend of mine told me, how a long lost friend of hers had contacted her after many years. There was apparently some romance involved in all of this. It was nice to hear that people are actually

It is amazing how your feelings towards someone can remain unaffected by time and other external factors, while other things crumble and decay in the very same process. Those feelings are usually reserved for those you developed a connection with, but you never had a chance to explore. They are the ones who got away away.

It's debatable whether or not these feelings only exist due to lack of knowing, what might have been, or if it's a rare instance of having connected to a real soul mate. Nevertheless, you occasionally find yourself mindfucking yourself and hoping to ejaculate an answer that will quench your thirst for the factual vision of a non-existing alternative future. Why had that one person gotten away? Was it my fault that things never came to pass? Rarely will you ever know the truth or see that person again.

Something that has puzzled me about all of this, is our lack of ability to act on our instinct and desire. We feel it strongly in our hearts, but we procrastinate the revelation of our feelings until it's too late. We end up feeling sad and with a heart that aches for closure and knowing.

Years and years from now, you will sit in the privacy of your home, happily married and with the kids playing in the garden, and think of the beautiful brunette or the tall blue-eyed bartender and damn your cowardice to hell.

We all have someone, who got away. It''s that person that will haunt you memories forever. Remember, your heart will always want to wonder why not...

Edward T. Shufflebottom

The Walkabout Experience

I had gone to explore the night life of this part of the city with a couple of friends of mine. It was here that I was introduced to something that completely took me by surprise. It was a cultural niche invented by the Australians, the infamous 'Walkabout'. The atmosphere was quite unique. It was a hybrid of a pub and a disco. The subtlety of the pub was there, but was cocktailed with the disco element that made people dance due to the lack of seats.

In the centre of all of this, I stood absorbing this cultural input. However, as the input started to stagnate I started to notice something else. The concentration of human abominations was alarmingly high. Wherever I looked I saw nothing but genetic crimes against humanity. It was evident that the corrupted segment of the Human gene pool had decided to party here tonight, and while I stood finishing one drink after the other, I was struck by a crude realization of how some of these beings would go home to fornicate and possibly reproduce some mutant offspring that was twice as vile as themselves. In this environment I was indeed a prostitute against my own will, because I would have to be paid to have any type of sexual interaction with the opposite gender.

We left after a few hours and on our way home, we came across of one those poor homeless souls. This one was extremely proactive and very aggressive, when it came to asking for money. I wasn't scared, but was surprised at this overly desperate behaviour.

It was getting pretty tiresome to always have to hand out money or cigarettes to those less fortunate. It was a constant battle trying to endure the guilt trips. Perhaps this was why the people in this city quietly ignored everything and everyone around them to filter out the poverty and misery. Maybe some day I would be like them. I would walk blindly past those, who were less fortunate holding out their hand with the faint hope that, I would drop a coin into their palm. I was hoping that I would never follow this creed of social apathy, because it was undeniable that the benevolent nature in me was slowly starting to decay...

Edward T. Shufflebottom

The Postcode Mentality and the city of ciggie snatchers

Much had happened since, I departed from the feline cesspool. I had finally gotten a place of my own and dubbed it home. It wasn't actually a penthouse, but the foul stench of dog and cat shit wasn't nothing more but a distant memory. I was able to think back of the entire episode and chuckle at my frequent state of mental pandemonium.

I had opened my eyes to many new things, which I had been blind to before or at least not given myself an extra moment to dwell on. Wherever I went, my eyes fell on poor unfortunate homeless souls. Some of them would patiently await and hope that you would drop a coin or two into their hand, while others would actively seek you out to promote their sad condition and burden you with a guilt trip, “Can you spare some change for a cup of tea?”. Of course, I wasn't that gullible. Since when did tea get poured into cans of Carlsberg? Along those very same streets, kiosks and grocery stores with exclaiming discounts on every type of alcohol known to man, store owners encouraged these souls to spend their hardly begged money. It was sickening and sad, but nevertheless I indulged them. I gave them whatever change I had on me. Ideally I would prefer them to spend the money on something that would benefit them, but then again, who was I to pass such judgement? Who was I to say what was beneficial or not for these people?

Something else I noticed was, when the homeless aren't looking for money, they are looking to acquire cigarettes. I couldn't count the amount of times throughout the day that I was bombed with the question, if I could spare a cigarette. Standing still and smoking a cigarette was like being a freshly furnished turd waiting for the flies to arrive.

My new job had presented me with more material for my mind to work with. I finally realised, what I was doing, wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. The geek talking of complex data structures and methodologies that never interest me was being force fed into my ears, but my mind was somewhat distant. I was out of synch with this environment and these people. There were only two persons that I had bonded with. Each of them carried a element that I could easily mirror my personality in. The rest emitted vibes of fraudulence and riding horses, they needed ladders to mount. I communicated little or never with these people. I might have come across as being timid or introverted to them, but I felt that we had nothing to say to each other that would have served as a catalyst to initiating the semblance of basic friendship. At this point, they were people I worked with and nothing else.

Every evening I found myself standing outside like a furnished turd looking at the naked trees occupying the grove as far as the eye can see and the dull grey sky The pavements were dirty and stained with the residue of dog shit. It seemed that dogs in this country really made an effort to shit in the middle of the pavement, and people who walked just wanted to step in it. In fact I can imagine they jumped into it. Maybe they liked the extra padding on their shoes, so they could slide down the street to reach their destination quickly. But it was out here that I found my mind clearing up and able to put things into perspective.

Yes, Life goes on...

Edward T. Shufflebottom